CharsToday

Gator Aide

2009-11-07T20:39:00.000-08:00

Yesterday's golf game was interesting. Do you think you could tee off with this guy only a few yards from you? I was too chicken chit to get close enough to get his full length in frame, but trust me, he was a whopper! Gator aide, anyone?

Did you hear that?

2009-10-26T05:52:00.000-07:00

If my mother knew I was telling everyone this story, she would be sooo pissed at me. But I just can't help it. (and its totally true).

My mother is getting really hard of hearing, but refuses to do anything about it. Last week my twisted sister took her to family night at her church where they have dinner, entertainment and socialize for the evening.

One of the entertainment acts for the evening was a group of ten ladies 'signing' hymns. Mom turns to Kathy and says VERY loudly "I CAN'T HEAR A WORD THEY'RE SAYING". Of course the whole church heard this and couldn't resist laughing.
(Kathy was somewhere under the table).

Moms.....you gotta love 'em.

Hayride Anyone?

2009-10-24T05:20:00.000-07:00

I love Maxine in the fall....

Why She Changed Hotels

2009-10-24T04:07:00.000-07:00

I know that I am being a bad blogger, but I am bummed out and word empty.
So I am just going to share another joke that I received. So enjoy and have a great weekend.

Last week, I checked into the Four Seasons in Palm Beach and was a bit lonely. I thought, "I'll call one of those men you see advertised in phone books for escorts and sensual massages."

I looked through the phone book, found a full page ad for a guy calling himself Tender Tony - a very handsome man with assorted physical skills flexing in the photo. He had all the right muscles in all the right places, thick wavy hair, long powerful legs, dazzling smile, six pack abs and I felt quite certain I could bounce a quarter off his well oiled butt.... you get the picture. I figured, what the heck, I'll give him a call.

"Hello, ma'am, how may I help you?" ... Oh my, he sounded sooo sexy! Afraid I would lose my nerve if I hesitated I rushed right in, "Hi, I hear you give a great massage, I'd like you to come to my room and give me one. "No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now."

"Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night - tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything and everything baby.

"Now how does that sound?"

He said, "Oh my God... that sounds absolutely fantastic, but you need to press 9 for an outside line."

ATM procedure for women

2009-10-21T20:25:00.000-07:00

1. Drive up to cash machine.

2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with

the machine.

3. Set parking brake, put the window down.

4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.

5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.

6. Attempt to insert card into machine..

7. Open car door to allow

easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.

8. Insert card.

9. Re-insert card the right way.

10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the

inside back page.

11. Enter PIN.

12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.

13. Enter amount of cash required.

14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.

15. Retrieve cash and receipt.

16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.

17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of

checkbook.

18. Re-check makeup.

19. Drive forward 2 feet.

20. Reverse back to cash machine.

21. Retrieve card.

22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the

slot provided!

23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.

24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.

25. Redial person on cell phone.

26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.

27. Release Parking Brake..

Note: I never include #17 in my procedure!

Banyan Trees

2009-10-18T16:03:00.000-07:00

Don't you just love banyan trees? My brother was visiting with me this past week and I took him over to Boca Grande to go to the lighthouse beach. It promply rained on us as soon as we arrived, but I took him to my favorite place there called Banyan Street to catch a look at the trees.

These trees are just mystical to me.

I suppose they are terribly invasive when they begin to eat your house...but you gotta love them.

Self Inventory

2009-10-07T09:01:00.000-07:00

I want to have my brows lifted,
to look as if I am
in perpetual surprise
and have those roman shades
removed from my lids.

I want the corners
of my eyes
pointed toward
the top of my head,
not slinking toward my ears.

I want my lips plumped up
to rid myself
of two wrinkled worms
pressed together,
one atop the other.

I want the corners
of my mouth turned up
so I look happy when I'm not.
I want my basset hound jaws
pulled up from my neck.

I want my tatas
looking perky
and my butt cheeks
firm and sassy.
Please and thank you, Dr Plastic.

Char Chandler
October, 2009

Always Autumn

2009-09-30T18:29:00.000-07:00

In her heart,

it is always autumn

with heady aromas

like cider, new mown hay.

She rides the pinto,

the one with spirit high,

who is wont to take them

into gate or barn.

It will be the barn today,

quickly, lower the head.

Close call and fluttering heart,

hands tremble, ragged exhale.

The boy of golden hair,

same color of the hay,

is laughing up above her.

His humor is lost in her fear.

The thunder claps

to announce the rain.

Enormous drops

that pound on roof of tin.

There is electricity,

not related to the storm.

The air is pulsing

as a mellow drum.

He folds her gently

into his chest.

It is her first real kiss,

sweet, soft and deep.

In a hay loft

on a gray winters' day,

in her heart

it is always autumn.

Char Chandler

September, 2009

How hot is it?

2009-09-28T06:55:00.000-07:00

A FLORIDA BLESSING
·If you are not a resident of FLORIDA or never have lived in the hot, humid Southeast you may not understand the weight of this blessing!

· Bless this house, oh Lord, we cry.
· Please keep it cool in mid-July.
· Bless the walls where termites dine,
· While ants and roaches march in time.
· Bless our yard where spiders pass
· Fire ant castles in the grass.
· Bless the garage, a home to please
· Carpenter beetles, ticks and fleas.
· Bless the love bugs, two by two,
· the gnats and mosquitoes that feed on you.
· Millions of creatures that fly or crawl,
· in FLORIDA, Lord, you've put them all!!
· But this is home, and here we'll stay,
· So thank you Lord, for insect spray.
·
· HOLD IT............there's more.....................
·
· YOU KNOW YOU ARE IN FLORIDA IN JULY WHEN. . .
· The birds have to use potholders to pull worms out of the ground..
· The trees are whistling for the dogs.
· The best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance.
· Hot water now comes out of both taps.
· You can make sun tea instantly.
· You learn that a seat belt buckle makes a pretty good branding iron!
· The temperature drops below 95 and you feel a little chilly.
· You discover that in July it only takes 2 fingers to steer your car.
· You discover that you can get sunburned through your car window.
· You actually burn your hand opening the car door.
· You break into a sweat the instant you step outside at 7:30 a.m.
· Your biggest bicycle wreck fear is, "What if I get knocked out and end up lying on the pavement and cook to death?"
· You realize that asphalt has a liquid state.
· The potatoes cook underground, so all you have to do is pull one out and add butter, salt and pepper.
· Farmers are feeding their chickens crushed ice to keep them from laying boiled eggs.
· The cows are giving evaporated milk. Ah, what a place to call home.
· God Bless FLORIDA !!

Day at the Beach

2009-09-22T20:47:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, I decided to go to the beach for a while. I took a book and beach chair and baked for a couple hours. (Yes, I know the dangers of the sun, but I ruined my skin long ago by offering myself as a human sacrifice all through my teen years.) My mother used to tell me I was getting too dark and it made my eyes look weird. Well, the boys had started to call me 'bedroom eyes', so who do you think won that one?

It was hotter than hell, but the breeze off the Gulf felt great and I took a nice long walk. As I walk, I am picking up rocks that catch my eye. Yes, some days are shell days, shark tooth days, and yesterday was a rock day. Silly, I know. Anyway, here are some that caught my attention.

Then when I get home, I just can't leave things alone. I started to see things in these rocks. And wallah....look at these:

I am so easily entertained. Oh well, blame it on the heat!

Vacation Plans

2009-09-13T19:24:00.000-07:00

Remember when I requested suggestions for a vacation ? Well, tonight my Twisted Sister

sent me this email:

HOPE YOU WIN!!!

Good Luck!!!I hope that you do not mind, but I entered your name in a draw for a 7 day cruise. I assure you that no sales people will call or bother you in any way. This is completely on the up and up.

I've taken the liberty of putting your name into the draw for a Seven day Six night Cruise on the fabulous new Gypsy Queen Cruise Line ship the ' Dixie Belle'. All airfares, transfers, food and drinks included with dinner at the captain's table as his personal guest,Good luck! I hope you win! The Flagship ' Dixie Belle' is shown below...

Your first night's meal promises to be scrumptious, featuring fillet of Catfish, Hush Puppies and Collards, with all you can eat Boiled Louisiana Rusty Crawfish! Boy, I wish I was goin' with ya'll. If'n ya'll win, make sure to send pictures, especially of the Famous, 'Ole' Muddy Midnight Skinny Dip, with your hostesses Eulla Bell and Krissie.

Since ya'll may have the presidential suite, yu'in's will have a balcony view and the finest facilities. Nothing is too good for my friends!

She is just the greatest, isn't she? Now you can see that Twisted Sister is not just an empty name.

Link, link, link

2009-09-09T22:31:00.000-07:00

YES, I can now LINK! Thanks to the wonderful Braja. In the wee hours of this morning, she straightened me out in no time.

This hug's for you, Braja, the sweetest lady blogger.

Thanks, again!

Trying

2009-09-08T08:09:00.000-07:00

I took a phrase and tried
to bend its words
to form the thoughts
within my head.

It would not conform
would not comply
the phrase remained
ridgidly unchanged.

Throwing ink and pen
against a wall just there
A picture formed itself.
Can I build a frame?

Welcome Sister!

2009-09-03T16:48:00.000-07:00

Today, I got a really nice surprise when I opened my blogger reading list. My sister has joined us here in bloggerland! She didn't even tell me! I promise you guys are gonna love her. Please stop by and give my Twisted Sister a blogger welcome.

Where I've been

2009-08-31T13:07:00.000-07:00

Finally, I am back in business. I have been lost in the world of computer problems. I promise to start catching up right away. Sure have missed all you guys.
Hope to get something posted as soon as I've caught up on reading all your blogs.

With a little help from my friends

2009-08-13T23:56:00.000-07:00

It is 2:55am and I am looking through glazed eyed at this screen. It is a tough job, but I am trying to find an all-inclusive vacation spot for December or Jamuary for Don, myself and a couple of snowbird friends from Indiana. The glazed eyes could be from the vanilla rum I am sipping during this process. Everyone leaves it up to me to find the ideal deal. I lucked out last year when I booked us into a resort in Punta Canta, Dominican Republic. It was fantastic and everyone just loved it.

Well, that was just plain dumb good luck...so what do I do now? I have always wanted to go to Costa Rica, but am a little nervous because it seems as if a lot of places there may be more primative than tolerable. So I am open to suggestions...
has to be all-inclusive, 5 to 7 days, under $1k per person. including airfare, and departing from FT Myers, Sarasota, Tampa or Miami, AND in the tropical zone, ON the beach.

Is that too much to ask? I await with with baited breath for your suggestions.

ps-this Cruzan Vanilla Rum is really good with grape flavored cigarellas! FYI

Goodbyes Are Not Easy

2009-08-12T06:57:00.000-07:00

Untitled (you name it)

The mist hangs heavily
over the meadow green.
And the air is poison,
its cruel and its mean.

Furling and floating round
my head and my heart.
Shifting and wafting,
and tearing apart.

Leave me no ghosts to
be haunting my life.
Just leave without thought
and abandon your wife.

Go quickly, and in silence,
hearing no footsteps fall.
No music nor ceremonial
farewells, no tears at all.

No sorrow felt, no turning
of the heart or head.
The vacancy is complete
As our love, I am to you, dead.

Char Chandler
2004

Update

2009-07-27T08:03:00.000-07:00

Hello, friends. I am in Kentucky and will stay for a week or so longer. My sister passed away on Thursday and we had her services on Saturday. She suffered for years with RA and it can be a horrible and crippling desease. She was only three years older than me and I will miss her greatly. My main concern now is my eighty-eight year old Mother.

Thank you all for your kind thoughts and messages.

Family Matters

2009-07-22T06:45:00.000-07:00

I got a sad call last night. My sister is gravely ill. I will be checking in.

Feeling colorless and jaded

2009-07-20T21:17:00.000-07:00

Since I don't feel like a real post today, I thought I'd share one of my favorite poems with you.

Said The Rose

I am weary of the Garden,
Said the Rose;
For the winter winds are sighing,
All my playmates round me dying,
And my leaves will soon be lying
'Neath the snows.

But I hear my Mistress coming,
Said the Rose;
She will take me to her chamber,
Where the honeysuckles clamber,
And I'll bloom there all December
Spite the snows.

Sweeter fell her lily finger
Than the bee!
Ah, how feebly I resisted,
Smoothed my thorns, and e'en assisted
As all blushing I was twisted
Off my tree.

And she fixed me in her bosom
Like a star;
And I flashed there all the morning,
Jasmin, honeysuckle scorning
Parasites forever fawning
That they are.

And when evening came she set me
In a vase
All of rare and radiant metal,
And I felt her red lips settle
On my leaves til each proud petal
Touched her face.

And I shone about her slumbers
Like a light
And, I said, instead of weeping,
In the garden vigil keeping,
Here I'll watch my Mistress sleeping
Every night.

But when morning with its sunbeams
Softly shone,
In the mirror where she braided
Her brown hair I saw how jaded,
Old and colorless and faded,
I had grown.

Not a drop of dew was on me,
Never one;
From my leaves no odors started,
All my perfume had departed,
I lay pale and broken-hearted
In the sun.

Still I said, her smile is better
Than the rain;
Though my fragrance may forsake me,
To her bosom she will take me,
And with crimson kisses make me
Young again.

So she took me . . . gazed a second . . .
Half a sigh . . .
Then, alas, can hearts so harden?
Without ever asking pardon,
Threw me back into the garden,
There to die.

How the jealous garden gloried
In my fall!
How the honeysuckle chid me,
How the sneering jasmins bid me
Light the long gray grass that hid me
Like a pall.

There I lay beneath her window
In a swoon,
Till the earthworm o'er me trailing
Woke me just at twilight's failing,
As the whip-poor-will was wailing
To the moon

But I hear the storm-winds stirring
In their lair;
And I know they soon will lift me
In their giant arms and sift me
Into ashes as they drift me
Through the air.

So I pray them in their mercy
Just to take
From my heart of hearts, or near it,
The last living leaf, and bear it
To her feet, and bid her wear it
For my sake.

--George H. Miles

I'm Baa-aack

2009-07-16T18:17:00.000-07:00

It's been a crazy month for me. I've had every thing scanned, x-rayed, punched, poked, prodded and/or removed. This past Monday, I had surgery to repair a ventrical hernia and that has pretty much kept me down ever since. But watch out, now, I think I am finally on the mend!

I am behind in reading blogs and posting, but am trying to catch up. Thanks to all you guys for cards, letters and kind words. I would especially like to thank Fancy Schmancy for the honest crap award....I am so flattered! It may take me a while to comply with the meme, but will give it my best effort.

I still have more medical activities scheduled over the next couple of weeks, but hopefully surgery will not be required (fingers crossed). So, hang in/on and I'll be happy to drag you along in the process.

Remembering Grandaddy

2009-07-08T13:24:00.000-07:00

Climbing out of the dusty old Chevy in the heat of mid-August, I followed Grandaddy into the canopy of tall green corn. He reached for an ear that normally would have been creamy yellow, but instead a purple bubbling mass was erupting from the shuck. That was the first time I ever saw the the large man cry. It was corn blight, and it ruined many a farmer and a sizable seed corn company that year of 1958.

Back in the old gray Chevy, dust floated in the air after Grandaddy seated himself. He never drove fast enough to create much of a breeze, and the slow speed allowed him the time to check out every one's crops on both sides of the road. He would steer toward whatever direction he was gazing, always veering back just before entering the ditch along the narrow road. "I 'spect Marguarette'll have dinner ready bout now" he said. As we turned into the driveway of the house in town, the Maxwell House Coffee can in the middle of the floor board rocked dangerously. It was truly a disgusting thing, serving as a spittoon for God knows how many days of his chewing tobacco. I righted the can on the hump and read aloud "good to the last drop". Grandaddy laughed, making his large round belly shake under his bibbed overalls.

He's been gone for many years, and I still miss him.

Happy Birthday to me

2009-06-20T02:03:00.001-07:00

Earrings and Things

2009-06-14T18:53:00.000-07:00

Great Aunt Minnie has been gone for many years now. Her last few years she spent lost in the fog and mist that is Alzheimer's. Though it may be tough to find any humor associated with the disease, there were some comical things she did. I will save them for another time as I want to tell you a story that involved her and my daughter, Kelly.

Aunt Minnie always had a tissue or lacy handkerchief in her hand. She used it to swab her temple which, unrelated to the disease, constantly seeped water. I kid you not, and as far as I know, no one ever knew what caused it. When we were kids, we'd always say that her head leaked. She was certainly a sweet old lady and always dressed to the toes. She never left her house without her white hair perfect and her jewelry on. After she died, her husband gave all of her costume jewelry to my mother.

Now, let me tell you that my mother did not need any more costume jewelry. She had way too much of it before that kindhearted gift. Mother had many many matched sets of beads, pins and earrings in every color and style you can imagine. The combined jewelry took up two-thirds of a triple dresser.

One day my daughter and I were visiting my mother and something came up about jewelry. Mother told Kel to go through it all and take whatever she wanted. She pulled out drawer after drawer filled full and we all three sat on her bed, talking and laughing as we sifted through that treasure chest of baubles. Kel chose a few items to take home with her.

Some weeks later, my daughter calls me from her beauty salon and is dieing laughing. She tells me that she wore a pair of Aunt Minnie's earrings to work that day and everyone was commenting on how pretty they were. She replied that she really liked them, but that they hurt her ears terribly and she didn't think she was going to be able

to wear them.

On closer inspection, one of her co-workers discovered they were not earrings at all but those clips that were worn to dress up shoes a long time ago. They have metal prongs on each side that stuck in the shoe to hold them on. Kel said "I was so embarrassed", but then she remembered....and said "Well, no wonder Aunt Minnie's head leaked"!

Okay, so I've been a little behind.....

2009-06-11T11:37:00.000-07:00

I don't know what the hell is going on. Being intent on catching up on blog reading today, I've been leaving comments all over blogdom. When I revisit, my comments are gone....nada....nil....poof, just like that! And, of course by that time I can't even remember what the hell I said the first time around.

Are you guys deleting my comments? Are you trying to tell me something? Did I say or do something to offend you?

Whatever is going on, I now do not have time to revisit all those blogs for a do-over. Therefore, if it happens that those little comment jewels do decide to show up, some of you may be blessed with double comments (which may or may not be duplicates). Just sayin'.