Gator Aide

Yesterday's golf game was interesting.  Do you think you could tee off with this guy only a few yards from you?  I was too chicken chit to get close enough to get his full length in frame, but trust me, he was a whopper!  Gator aide, anyone?

Did you hear that?

If my mother knew I was telling everyone this story, she would be sooo pissed at me.  But I just can't help it.  (and its totally true).

My mother is getting really hard of hearing, but refuses to do anything about it.  Last week my twisted sister took her to family night at her church where they have dinner, entertainment and socialize for the evening. 

One of the entertainment acts for the evening was a group of ten ladies 'signing' hymns.  Mom turns to Kathy and says VERY loudly "I CAN'T HEAR A WORD THEY'RE SAYING".  Of course the whole church heard this and couldn't resist laughing.
(Kathy was somewhere under the table).

Moms.....you gotta love 'em.

Hayride Anyone?

I love Maxine in the fall....

Why She Changed Hotels

I know that I am being a bad blogger, but I am bummed out and word empty.
So I am just going to share another joke that I received.  So enjoy and have a great weekend.

Last week, I checked into the Four Seasons in Palm Beach and was a bit lonely. I thought, "I'll call one of those men you see advertised in phone books for escorts and sensual massages."

I looked through the phone book, found a full page ad for a guy calling himself Tender Tony - a very handsome man with assorted physical skills flexing in the photo. He had all the right muscles in all the right places, thick wavy hair, long powerful legs, dazzling smile, six pack abs and I felt quite certain I could bounce a quarter off his well oiled butt.... you get the picture. I figured, what the heck, I'll give him a call.

"Hello, ma'am, how may I help you?" ... Oh my, he sounded sooo sexy!  Afraid I would lose my nerve if I hesitated I rushed right in, "Hi, I hear you give a great massage, I'd like you to come to my room and give me one. "No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now."

"Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night - tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything and everything baby.

"Now how does that sound?"

He said, "Oh my God... that sounds absolutely fantastic, but you need to press 9 for an outside line."

ATM procedure for women

1. Drive up to cash machine.


2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with

the machine.

3. Set parking brake, put the window down.

4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.

5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.

6. Attempt to insert card into machine..

7. Open car door to allow

easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.

8. Insert card.

9. Re-insert card the right way.

10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the

inside back page.

11. Enter PIN.

12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.

13. Enter amount of cash required.

14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.

15. Retrieve cash and receipt.

16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.

17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of

checkbook.

18. Re-check makeup.

19. Drive forward 2 feet.

20. Reverse back to cash machine.

21. Retrieve card.

22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the

slot provided!

23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.

24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.

25. Redial person on cell phone.

26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.

27. Release Parking Brake..

Note:  I  never include #17 in my procedure!

Banyan Trees

Don't you just love banyan trees?  My brother was visiting with me this past week and I took him over to Boca Grande to go to the lighthouse beach.  It promply rained on us as soon as we arrived, but I took him to my favorite place there called Banyan Street to catch a look at the trees. 

These trees are just mystical to me.

I suppose they are terribly invasive when they begin to eat your house...but you gotta love them.

Self Inventory

I want to have my brows lifted,
to look as if I am
in perpetual surprise
and have those roman shades
removed from my lids.

I want the corners
of my eyes
pointed toward
the top of my head,
not slinking toward my ears.

I want my lips plumped up
to rid myself
of two wrinkled worms
pressed together,
one atop the other.

I want the corners
of my mouth turned up
so I look happy when I'm not.
I want my basset hound jaws
pulled up from my neck.

I want my tatas
looking perky
and my butt cheeks
firm and sassy.
Please and thank you, Dr Plastic.

Char Chandler
October, 2009